We fail our
everyday mask when reality is being brought back.
When someone
tells you an honest opinion, these masks that hides our true self evades.
Slowly we feel less comfortable with the topic, slowly we focus less on the
other person’s eye sight, slowly we start to twitch, slowly we start to breathe
heavily and the next thing we feel is that, slowly, we start to drown in
something they call; reality. Your breaths are getting heavier and you start to
feel nausea and you start to feel unconscious and you start to cough. You cough
more and you choked yourself on honesty, actuality, truth, existence… and you
are finally caught back to what you have been trying to escape the past few
days? Weeks? Years? Life? You are finally awakened from this dream life that
you have fabricated to hide the fears, the tears, the angers. You are again -for
the millionth time, hurt. Welcome, you are brought back to life. As you are,
and you always have been alive.
You have no
reason to get mad to the person with honest opinions. You have no reason to get
mad at the past. You have no reason to be mad at the present. You have all the
reasons to worry about the future. So you’re here, you’re stuck back here in
this feeling of anguish. Feeling of guilt, sorrow, darkness that you try to
knit away with your hand made, comfortable blanket that you used to share with
the person you used to love. Now that the blanket is slowly removed, the ghosts
of the longing past is reliving themselves and back to hunting you in a form of
reality. You twitch some more, now you can’t stop. You can’t undo what have
been done; you can’t just do what was undone. You just can’t do anything. Now
you’re upset. You can’t blame anyone, you can’t do anything, so you break down
to your knees, and you feel… nothing but numbness.
You said, “let’s
call it a night” and separated paths with the person who you think is
responsible for making you feel this way. You looked down on your footsteps,
wondering, “What have I done? What will happen? What did happen? Where am I
going?” You wander amongst millions of thoughts. Thoughts that were kept in a
music box given by the person you used to love for your fifth anniversary gift.
And now it’s wide open again, and you wonder how? Because the last thing you remembered
was locking it away far beyond your eyesight. Or was it false memory? Or is
this reality, is just a dream? Or is this dream, reality? You have lost it, you
lost your reality, you lost your dreams. You’re lost in between the horizons
that used to be so vivid during the sunset. During the long walk on the streets
waiting for the sun to wave goodbye, with laughter and warm hugs amidst winter’s
cold breeze, with the person you used to love.
Now you’re in
front of your door and you’re finding some trouble with unlocking it. Your
hands are twitching and your thoughts are mumbling. You’re insecure, it felt
like you’re being hunted by something that you can’t see, but you can feel.
This is not a horror passage, you’re not hunted by ghosts. You’re hunted by all
the feelings and memories that you wanted to escape from.
You fastened your
actions as you only want to go inside your house, take some drinks and sit
down. It wasn’t that easy. As you enter the room, every edge has a memory.
Remember that orange couch that you used to sit with the person you used to
love? And you used to kiss, and sway your little fingers to his/her hair?
Remember their laugh? Remember their warmth? So now you sit there in that couch
and you grief. Asking your self why in the world, is reality being so… mean?
Then you cry, you choke in truth, you hit honesty. You’re all alone now, it’s
safe. It’s safe…
It’s safe to open
up your mask, it’s safe to call it a day and just lay here, crying. And you
know, these all are just the beginning.
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